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Loss of desire
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Message
Posted
Hi all, heres a weird one. I was really enjoying my painting but since last year when my mother died i feel almost physically sick when i think of picking up a brush. I burnt almost all of my previous work, a few pieces survived. My paints, brushes and beloved watercolour pencils all lie unused. Ive got loads of ideas id like to paint but when i get close to even opening the paper pads, i feel revulsion and self loathing and i walk away.
Is this something that will pass or am i stuck for ever?
Im.sorry to have missed this forum for so.long, but now you know why.
David
Posted
I think it will pass David .I take tablets for the days I am down ,,,I forgot them last week ,I felt painting was not worth while ,I did not know why i wanted to destroy my paintings and videos ,(,I do a you tube video class )., feeling low ,I deleted twenty videos , yesterday I realised my wrong tabs could have caused my uppity reaction ,yesterday I started to replace them ,,why not .ask the doc for some tabs David ,,what you have been through is causing this,
Posted
David - I suffer from intermittent depression, and have just had to go back on anti-depressants; not something I'd really have wanted to reveal but in the circumstances I feel I need to. I'm no doctor, but it may be you're suffering from a reactive depression and need to get some help with it.
I have episodes of self-doubt, when I feel I'm just no damn' good, and I look at the Gallery sometimes and it does rather reinforce that impression - IF that's the mood I'm in. But then I look at all my paint, and brushes, and papers, and boards, plus a bit of canvas, and at my stack of sketch-books, and files of reference photographs, and usually manage to find the inspiration there to break the fast and get back to painting: but it's not easy at times. It was when I more or less lost useful sight in my right eye through a cataract that I began to chafe against the enforced lay-off, and since I've had my operation and can see colour better than I've been able to for years, I've been in a frenzy of stretching paper, buying more boards, prepping canvases.... I don't recommend you get a cataract in order to spur you into activity, but I discovered that although a few skills had rusted a bit (it really doesn't take long at all) they're coming back - as yours will, if that's one of the reasons for your feelings - but it sounds as if that's not the problem.
The death of a loved one has an obvious immediate impact, but people so often feel they're getting over it, and then - suddenly, they find they're not. A delayed reaction also sets in: and this may be what's happened to you. Try getting back in a small way - just muck about on an odd scrap of paper, don't start anything too ambitious because your energy could flag, and you won't finish it, and then you start getting depressed about not finishing it, and so the destructive cycle continues. And so do see someone if these feelings persist: we all need a bit of help now and then - it's a hard world. The self-loathing is the real clue here - it's a classic symptom of depression, but there are ways of treating it; maybe they don't offer immediate relief, but they work in a few weeks if you get started on the treatment now, and ignore the self-help gurus who often do more harm than good.
(And Alan - stop deleting your videos; set David a good example!)
Posted
Difficult when nothing seems to work any more and I think many of us get that feeling at times, to a greater or lesser degree. Saying 'keep going' is easy but doing it can be more of a challenge. If it helps to know you have the support of others in your efforts you have certainly got it. I felt like giving up when I was diagnosed with Parkinsons but then I thought 'why let it win', and on a positive note I have wanted for years to paint in a looser style so my Parkinsons' tremor if it gets worse might help!
Posted
One in four of us suffer from some kind of mental illness during our lifetime, so it seems to be part of the human condition - you are not alone. I've helped my husband with it over the years, but now he tells me how lucky he is almost every day.
The secret is self monitoring. Every time you have a negative thought - remind yourself what rubbish it is and how lucky you are to have your health etc. Make a list each day of all the things you should be thankful for. There are many people out there who are a lot worse off than you, so be thankful. Everybody's mother dies and it is always awful as mothers are irreplaceable. However we all have to get over it and each day we think of her less often. However thinking of and helping others is a great way out of your self pity.
I've had a lot of experience of your condition starting as a child, probably when my father killed himself. We were suddenly plunged into poverty (no social security then) and had to return from sunny Gibraltar to miserable Devonport (a poor area), but we were the poorest of the poor. Fortunately my grandmother took us in (3 children and mother in one bedroom) and mother trained to be a teacher. So I was deprived of my mother too in my early years as she was busy and granny had no affection or conversation skills. Later in life I fractured my skull and lost the ability to understand language as well as half my hearing and balance. Gradually I got better a later I embarked on a science degree, with no confidence in my ability to learn or read. To my amazement I graduated, despite my on going depression. But I learnt to value the so called little things in life eg's ability to :- listen to others, walk down a street unaided, read a book, music, stroke a pet, sit in the garden on a sunny day and just look at all the marvels of the world. In later years I nearly lost my life, through an operation that went wrong, so I now feel grateful for every day that I live.
These days I just enjoy life, whilst I still can; travel, visit zoos, and paint as an expression of my positive experiences of life. I hope you find some inspiration in this story. Best Wishes Linda
Posted
So Prince Harry has put it all out there. He said that counselling really helped him. It does. Please contact your doctor, who will probably recommend "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy" (being more positive about your life). I also found a website called "moodgym", created by Australian doctors.
Also, if painting causes you anxiety, just do something else that you enjoy and will make you engage with other people e.g. dancing, walking etc. Just have fun and do your best to enjoy every day.
Posted
As a sufferer of Bi-Polar for the past 30 years I would advise you, like the others to see your doctor. There is such a lot of help available nowadays David and it does get better. Ok, I'm sure most of us suffering depression get good periods and bad ones, but you learn to recognise your moods and work with them. Don't worry about the painting at the moment, that will come back to you or you may try something new when you feel a little better. Just concentrate on the here and now and the rest will take care of itself in due course. Good luck and I wish you better soon.
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